I've posted this on another thread, so this is just a copy and paste. No delicate way to say this, but about 12 hours ago my Dad died. Very unexpectedly as he was only 53, he didn't drink or smoke, exercised and wasn't overweight. He'd gone to the ER 20 hours before, thinking he was having a heart attack, but wasn't. They dismissed him saying it was probably gas/food poisoning. He started to deteriorate rather rapidly at about 11 o'clock last night and Mom took him to the ER again, once there, they tired to raise his low blood pressure and that's when we think his aorta ruptured. The medical examiner is going to do an investigation to try and find out what happened and maybe see why he was dismissed from the ER the first time. Didn't realize that yesterday would be his last day, but after coming back from the ER (the first time), he and I talked about what would happen if he had died. And I'm glad we did that and I think that little 5min, half kidding conversation is going to help me. It's hard to put into words. Friday night he picked me up from UH , on the ride back we were talking about what were going to get done today and plans for the future like we always do. And anything seemed possible, he and I have moved some real mountains and done stuff that was borderline impossible. I kinda promised him that I'd finish the farm for him. For the last 19 years (my whole life), he's been trying to get a farm started from nothing. Which for those that don't know, is VERY hard. But working my own is going to be something new, having an extra set of hands really makes a world of difference. PM is probably not the best place for this, but I'm sure someone here has gone through this before and may have some advice. I don't really know where to begin, I'm going to be calling the CPA for life insurance, taxes, etc Monday. I think writing this rambling couple of paragraphs has harder than seeing the body. So many things I should have done differently. He really was a hell of guy. Dad will have been gone 24 hours here soon and I've started to calm down and am starting to make plans. Other than all the bills, insurance, taxes etc, I'm really worried about fixing all the junk to finish the farm and machine shop. I'll be working on my own from now on and not really sure how much is this is going to impact me. Once I do the boom seals in the F800, I'll have a service truck of sorts. But do any of you one man service teams have any tips for working by your self? This is going to be a steep learning curve for me. It may seem weird to be asking this right after his death. But finishing the farm, his dream, is something he wanted desperately. And for me to not do it would be the worst thing I could do to his memory.
Yair . . . alskdjfhg Mate my thoughts are with you from half a world away. You are obviously strong and, in these first days without him your Mum and others will need you as much as you need them. Totally understand what you say about finishing the farm but, priorities can change and you will need to take stock of the situation when things aren't quite so raw. Regards.
So sorry for your loss, for I know your pain quite well and lost my dad when he was 52 in very similar circumstances. My advice to you is very simple and straight forward- WHERE THERE IS A WILL TO DO, THERE ARE A DOZEN WAYS TO ACOMPLISH ANY DIFFICULT TASKS AT HAND.
Sincere condolences, alskdjhhg, obviously a huge shock for you and your family. My Dad passed away only a few months ago and although he was considerably older than yours, it was a stressful time that we all, inevitably, have to experience. My only advice is, that this is not the time to be making big decisions. It is admirable that you want to continue your dad's legacy but, at the end of the day, you need to do what is right for you. Best of luck.
Sorry to hear that, day's like those are very tough. Step back for a bit and take a deep breath and look things over. IMO Truck Shop
Sorry to hear about your loss, reading that brought back a flood of memories when my dad passed in 2001 at age 54 from heart attack. Best thing is to grieve the loss of your dad, i did something similar to you. I buried the pain of losing my pops, mybest friend,teacher and Dad It snuck up and bite my on the a** take time to grieve friend No its not werid asking anything ppl greive and in shock. As far as working alone on a farm always let someone know where you are and keep your phone on you not in the seat of the service truck
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family for your loss. I lived a similar loss and it was tough, but we worked through it. As Queenlander states, don't do anything in hast. Time heals all things and allows you to have a clearer view of what is ahead for you and your family. When we lost Pop, he had clear cut the farm and was shopping for a D6 to clean up the place and his wife (my MIL) had no income as his small retirement income went away. We gathered and helped work the farm to put funds in the bank for her until SSI was available (15yrs). She is the one who really stepped up. We were able to spend several weeks a year when most needed, but she figured ways to get things done in our absence. At 73 she said sell the cows I am tried of feeding and breaking ice in the winter. At that time she had had enough and had enough in the bank to hold on to the farm. With leasing the hunting rights and pastures leases for grazing/hay and SSI she has held the farm for another 15yrs, she 89 now and carrying on. I am retired now and working to get the cow operation going again. Just take your time and think through the tasks at hand, it may take a little longer to get it done by your self but that's OK. Just know your exit point in case you need to bail out on heavy tasks that could pin you up.. With High Regards
Sorry for your loss, sorry you have to bear this burden at your age. As others have said, allow yourself to grieve, privately if you wish, it's natural and it's necessary. Be strong when you have to, and allow yourself to not be strong at times. There's no shame in not being able to handle it all by yourself, nobody ever does, through bad times or good. I am sure you have family and friends that will help and support you going forward, and you can be sure you have a worldwide family here that will back you up in whatever way they can. When in doubt, remember the good memories and ask yourself what your dad would tell you to do. If you believe in God, pray. Or maybe even if you don't. Lanway
Sorry for you loss man. Thats rough. If you need any advice or to vent, feel free to get ahold of me.
Extraordinary information has been offered here. Please let me, also, convey my condolences. I lost my dad when I was 15, and didn't really work through the grieving process until I was 25. That is not to say I had any problems, but 25 was when I could finally go to my father's grave. I did not understand that grief had stages, nor did I understand how to work through them. For almost every decision you will be faced with, try to sleep on it at least one night before concluding a decision. Time is your ally. Do not let anyone force you into making quick decisions; if they are trying to do so, realize that it may not be in your best interest to make that decision today, or in the way they want you to make it. You cannot live your father's dream. If it is your dream to finish the farm, then work toward that end. However, trying to live your father's dream when it is not yours is not in your best interest. In the end, you must be most loyal to yourself. That does not mean that you are not loyal to your mother and/or your siblings, but when you are, let's say, 50, your siblings are scattered, and your mother perhaps no longer alive, you need to know with confidence that you have done those things that will provide for you, especially if by that time you have your own family. Fellow posters, if I have over-stepped or am just plain wrong, please correct me. Neill
Thanks guys, appreciate the comments. I should clarify, Dad's dream for the farm is also mine, as my dream for a machine shop was also his. It would be impossible for me not to have the same dream when he's been working for this my whole life and involved me at an EXTREMELY young age. It used to drive the old guys he worked with crazy, him dragging a toddler around and stopping to explain what a wrench was. But that was such a valuable experience, I'm so glad that I was able to thank him for that while he was alive. Had to tell professors and advisers what happened, seeing how even though everything changed for me in so many ways last weekend, it really doesn't matter, wasn't easy. The school has no policy for something like this and I just have to get ready for my tests and papers as best as I can. But does go to show that life will and does go on. The medical examiner is doing the autopsy today, so we should know the exact cause of death soon. If it actually is a ruptured aorta, we may be going after the ER for malpractice. The symptoms of a aortic aneurysm are the same as a heart attack and do not show up on an EKG or enzyme test like a heart attack does. The doctors and nurses were told that an aortic aneurysm is what killed my grandfather in his early 60's and this condition is hereditary.
Tarhe Driver: Sounds spot on to me, well said.
alskdjfhg posted >Had to tell professors and advisers what happened, seeing how even though everything changed for me in so many ways last weekend, it really doesn't matter, wasn't easy. The school has no policy for something like this and I just have to get ready for my tests and papers as best as I can. But does go to show that life will and does go on.< As soon as you can, step back to determine where you are in the academic process. It may be in your best interest to take a withdraw-pass from one or more courses, and to take begin the courses again in the next term when things have somewhat settled down. On the other hand, it may be that your burying yourself in your books can be therapy for you; this is just something I suggest you consider. The school may have a good counselor who can guide you in such decisions. Neill
Lots of good thoughts and advice. I also went through your experience at seventeen. My dad was forty nine. I can only say that you should worry about all the stuff that your dad's death brings with it. Settling the estate will take a lot and wear you down more than you think. Worry about the farm and the shop projects as you have time but you will have plenty of other head aches to keep you busy for a while yet. In addition to a CPA you should find a good estate attorney if you don't already have one. Hopefully there is a will to set direction for the estate and minimizing the damage the state might want to do. If there is a wife and or mother or siblings you should be there for support. Their pain will likely be the same as yours. Be aware of all the people around you and your family. Most if not all will only want to help you in any way they can. Some may only want to help themselves. I wish you the best of luck and know you will get through this.
Sure hate to hear about the passing of your Father at such a young age . Our thoughts & prayers are with you & family bro . alskdjfhg , I always enjoy your threads & aptitude for going after a challenge with an end goal . This will be another challenge but I aint worried one bit that you wont succeed . You have a big advantage already at your age of just simply knowing what you want to accomplish with the farm & machine shop . Tip's on working alone ? I am a one man show for the most part . ( Old Man is retired but still helps out on jobs ) . When I need an extra hand generally have a few buddy's that will show up . One regret I have is not starting a family earlier in life . In my late 40's now & kids are still at a young age . One more subject to think about . Hang tough bro !:thumbsup
I lost my Dad a lot earlier than I ever expected. I know you feel terrible now but believe it or not it's going to get worse. The shock of the whole thing and hustle of making arrangements preoccupies you to an extent and keeps your emotions in check somewhat. In a week or two reality will set in and life without Dad will hit you like a ton of bricks. It would be good to have a close friend around when it does to help you through it. I had a similar relationship with my Dad. I remember vividly how Mom had a fit one evening when at 7 years old Dad let me solo on our Case farm tractor but he had spent a few years teaching me to drive it. You are your Dad's legacy. The lessons he has given you are priceless. I took for granted that all families and Dads were like mine but learned in my adult life how privileged I was to have such concerned parents who made time to raise me. It sounds like yours have too. You have my deepest sympathies. Losing my Dad has been the most significant event in my life so far. It's been nearly 20 years now but I still have rough days. Best wishes to you in coping with this tragedy.
Man I can't imagine losing my dad. I've worked with him my whole life. You have my deepest condolences. I've never been in a situation similar to yours but I cannot imagine being in any state of mind to be making any kind of serious decisions. I know that life goes on and time stops for no one but don't be afraid to take the time to heal. I'm truly sorry man.
Well Dad was aware of his own mortality and for as long as I can remember he also tried to maximize what ever time he had. We had lots and lots of very deep heart to heart talks in the cabs of old trucks. I remember lots of hot summer days moving some piece of scrap iron and looking back, those are very precious memories. He always treated me as if I was older than I actually am and tried to be more than my Dad, he really was my best friend. I had a spare moment this morning, got on YouTube and looked up an old song he liked; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juTKHYi_Urg He had to go to St John's Newfoundland once. He was very exited to go to a place where everyone knew who Stan Rodgers was. I still remember that little box of expense chocolates he brought back for my sister and I. Another one his favorites; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fhop5VuLDIQ Mom calmed down some today and told me how his last minutes were. The strength and bravery he was showing right up until the end and comforting my sister before leaving to the ER while racked with pain is still impressing me. I'm sure he knew when he left to the ER the second time he wasn't coming back. He left in a way that we though he'd be back in a few hours, no fear or showing the slightest discomfort. But I knew how much he was hurting when it was just us and I was getting him dressed and ready to go. I really regret I didn't say anything to him as he left, we didn't even make eye contact. Little did I knew I just watched him literally walk out of my life. I hope to be half the man he was.
sorry to hear bout your dad!!!! there is hardly a day that goes by I don't think about pop & he has been gone for 12 years now!!!! I started going with my pop when I was just big enough to walk... grew up working with him whenever I wasn't in school.. everyone has gave great advice, like john c said get you a really good CPA now & a great estate lawyer yesterday!!! it really didn't set in till a few days after the funeral, then it hits you like a ton of bricks that you have lost your pop, best friend, teacher, & your go to guy!!!!! it does get easier & life goes on but take a few days to let it set in!!!! I took a month went to maui for 2 weeks then Minnesota for 2 weeks fishing just to relax & reflect on what happened & what I needed to do to keep everything going!! everyone deals with grieving different but it has to happen so just relies after the shock of this wears off its ok to cry bout it. & there is going to be a couple times that you are going to b in the shop working & pick up something that he had made or find something that you & him had done together & you just might have to sit down & shed a few tears, its perfectly fine! if you need anything at all, just remember we are all here for you
now I guess I should actually answer your question bout working alone!!!!! SORRY I spend most of my working day alone.. just be extra careful when working out away from the shop/house, always let someone know where you are going, when you plan on returning & if you change plans make sure you let them know the changes!!! also before you do something ask yourself what could possibly go WRONG. if there is no cell service at the farm think bout a cell booster or a 2 way radio on a repeater. keep the phone/radio on your person NOT in the truck/tractor! I see you said service truck there in a post does it have a crane? it can be a great 3rd hand it can also be very dangerous just think before you act!!!! & we all make mistakes (some more than others BUT) like I told someone on a job last week " I just don't want you to become a statistic!!!!" one last piece of advise ill give is when you are out on the farm working I would have a firearm in your close proximity in case of emergency the list can go on forever but that's a good start
Well at only 19 it sounds like he left you with a very good head on your shoulders and you should be thankful for that. I haven't lost my dad, however, he has been in prison my entire life, though he is still alive (I think) it feels like he has gone. He was never around enough to teach me any of the valuable lessons that make you into a well rounded person and man, the past 10 years have a been a brutal learning curve that would have been much easier with a father figure. I think you should follow your dreams if it truly is to keep that farm going. ( :
That is a terrible loss for you and your mother. I sent you my prayers and condolences. There is good advise posted above. I can only emphasize to finish school. You don't have to use a collage degree in the rest of your life, but you don't have a choice if you don't have one. The farm was your father's dream. You can honor your father by having your own dream. Finish the farm, if it is your dream, too.
Been there, done that. I was older than you, my dad died a bit less suddenly, it was the hardest thing I've ever endured. Neither of us ever said it, but I loved that man, he loved me. I tear up writing this, it's been 16 years. Fathers and sons who have spent endless hours together form a relationship like no other. The bad news is it's going to be hard for you a very long time. The good news is treasured memories will last as long as you live. As for the farm; was it your common dream, or your dad's dream. If you are doing it for yourself I applaud. If you are doing it out of a sense of duty to your dad's memory, put it in the grave with him. As the father I am now, I want to be proud of my son's accomplishments. I don't want them building my dreams. I want them building theirs. Willie
Sorry for your loss. I just want to echo the sentiments that have already been posted. Your father would want you to be happy about your path in life. Whatever you decide on has to be rewarding to you. Don't rush into anything. And don't hesitate to post more questions. There's a great community here on HEF ready to offer different perspectives and good advice. Regards, Joi
Thanks guys, appreciate the comments. It's still rough, but getting better I guess. The F800 isn't really a service truck, but I'll probably be using it as one, it's a digger derrick with a 17,000lb Pitman Polecat boom on it. The boom seals leak quite badly on it, I was planning on repacking it myself, but not sure I want to do that by myself anymore. Any ideas how much it would cost to have some one come out and do it for me? I also have a 40ton P&H truck crane that runs good, but needs to be re cabled before I start making serious lifts. And I have a little 3200lb Autocrane that's in brand new shape, but the plan has also been to sell that.
I am sorry to hear of your loss. I enjoy reading your posts, and seeing the positive attitude and drive to get things done. I am sure because of what your dad has taught you that you will do a fine job with things. Don't give up on your dreams and aspirations. If you can work towards your goals at the same time, then pursue his farming dream as well, but remember that as hard as it may sound, he is gone now but you are not, and it is your life to live at this point. Make the best of what you have and he will be proud.
I lost my dad 34 years ago at age 32. As a kid, I was his shadow. He was a tool & die maker who made it to upper management. He said I could be anything but a die maker to encourage me to be be anything I wanted. (I'm a civil engineer - paid to play n the dirt ) He took me every where with him. I was in every factory in our area with him . I still miss not having him around for advice or helping me with my projects 34 years later. As for working by yourself, BE CAREFUL. I was getting my 15ton truck crane ready to move a couple weeks ago. I sold it since I can't climb on and off it after 2 back surgeries this year. I slipped, slid down across a cross member and ended with both feet dangling with no place to stand up on - very uncomfortable /painful position. I though I broke my left leg it hurt so bad. Phone was in the truck. Lady who's farm it's on wasn't home, crane is out back where she couldn't see it if she was home. 800-1000 feet from the road but out of site. Panic started to set in. It took me couple tries but fortunately I had enough upper body strength to get my butt on a tiny "ledge" which let me get one foot on a brace to get up. Only ended up with huge ugly looking bruises on both legs. Again, BE CAREFUL.
My sympathies on your loss. I will also agree with those that say not to make any big decisions too soon. Life has a way of changing things, and everything usually works out. Sometimes the forever plan, becomes a for now plan. I worked for my dad and his partner for probably 15 years. Loved every day of working with my dad. Discovered that his business wasn't going to be my business, and it was hard to leave. Family. money. and business. all intertwined can be difficult. For a long time, I worked for little money and untold hours, most people in a small family business do. I left at around 30, with a wife and 3 kids. It was awkward then, and still is at times. I live 8 hours away now, and in almost all ways, its been better, but I still miss working with my dad. But what you think might be the next 40 years dream, might be the next 4 years, or 4 months, or 4 minutes. "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." (ferris bueller, june 10,1986)
Thanks guys. This week was really busy with school, even though I had a bunch of homework today, I needed to get out and clear my head a bit. So I drove to the farm, just picked up the mail and paced around a bit. Tried to move the F800 over to the P&H to get ready to do the boom seals and found out that the POS battery that came with the truck finally gave up the ghost. Rather than go get a hot battery from the house, I'll just deal with it later. Starting to make plans about the building. I really don't want a metal kit building, and I really really really don't want to hire out the erection and dirt work. But I'm afraid that the reality is I can't do everything on my own. Crane op, that's kinda what happened with Dad in a way. The farm and business disappeared when he was in the army, the offical story when he got back was that it was all "given away". That's something he vowed to never do to me and that it was all mine. One of the reasons I guess why I'm so set on finishing.
I was out of state and missed this post until today. My sincere condolances alskdjhg. You have been given some sound advice. It will take time as so many of us know. In many ways you were fortunate to be that close to your father. I was with my dad every day working in the woods often 7 days a week from the time I was 10 until I was 21. It was probably the best time of my life. At that time I had to make a decision that it was not in my best interest to keep working full time in the family logging business. Dad understood and we talked often even though I was hardly ever home to see him in person. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Alskdjhg, so sorry for your loss. I confess I've been filing this thread into the "if it doesn't apply to you, keep quiet" area, but now that crane op, Raildudes, and O-I-H have said their pieces, it kind of changed my perspective. My dad is still with us, and by no means am I implying that leaving the business is close the same as losing them due to passing away, but there are some similarities that are painfully the same. Just like Raildudes, I was in my dad's shadow from about the age of 5, starting with pulling the levers on the old boom truck we used to pull well pumps and jacks for servicing. At 10, he told me to get in the backhoe and learn how to run it, at 12, I was constantly being b**ched at for gouging the topsoil while pushing waterline trench closed, and at 15 I was running the loaded tandem up and down the highway hauling gravel. For 30 years, this was the normal. Six days a week in the summer, weekends the rest of the time until I graduated high school, then winters were spent working somewhere hoping to scratch enough together to survive the following construction season. Then, like crane op, suddenly I'm 35, two kids with a third on the way, living in a 2 bedroom apartment, and I need to make some changes. Dad was pushed out of a successful well-drilling business by his father, and after many heated discussions, I knew that my path was already chosen. But, not a single day in the last 4 years has gone by without me wondering what Dad's doing, where he's working, and wishing things could have been different. It's one of those things that just never goes away. How many guys can say they spent nearly every non-sleeping minute for 25 years working with their Dad?? Some would say, and others have said I was lucky, but it sure doesn't feel that way. Again, sincerest condolences for your loss, and keep posting.
Crane op, thank you for posting this. Always have known that I'm not the only one to be screwed over after putting a third of their life into something, but to actually hear someone else basically describe how you spent 30 years of your life is kind of surreal.
Shimmy, I know all too well what you mean about being in your fathers shadow. My old man and I are close as brothers, but he tried to push me into doing something besides wrenching every since I was a kid. He has made a name for himself in the dealership world that i will probably never live up to. Not only that but building engines for guys racing and such. People come to me for the same things they went to my father, I have had 3 different dealers call me because of my last name alone and have let down all of them. That is why I wrench on equipment now and try to stay away from the automotive side of things, I got tired of riding my dads coat tails my whole career and need to make my own name. Hell I got *** canned at the dealer my dad worked at for 25 years after working there with my dad for a year and a half. They sought me out and hired me because of my name and decided I didn't fit the bill and fill the shoes.
My father started Beauregard Electric formally in 1963 on my 7th birthday. Before that it was evenings, and weekends. He was a factory electrician for six years prior. I spent every waking moment with him. My sisters said I was born middle aged. By the time I was physically able to carry a tool belt, I did the work. I'm a quick study, I love the work, and was lucky enough to enter the field just when VT started training. I bought my books, and gas to get there. Otherwise the school was free. I was blessed to have as first year teacher the head electrician for Orvis, second year, the man who would eventually become chief Electrical inspector for the State of VT. Last two years the best teacher I've ever known; Bob Reynolds looped. I had him two years. My run on discourse is to explain my attitude problem as a kid. I was formally trained, my father was not. Back then I knew everything, he was stupid. It took years to learn the opposite was true. Beauregard Electric will one day be owned by the third generation. For now, I'm stupid, my oldest son knows everything. I dearly wish I knew then what I know now: That teamwork works better than competition. That's especially true across generations. I made my father proud of me, I wish I knew enough to make him enjoy me. We can't fix the past. Work on the future. Willie
In our small community, my father was revered. The old ladies called him "Tart" Very old ladies called him "Squeak". At the age of twenty he became Head of Household as census described him in the day. Two weeks later, in January 1942, he became a soldier. Drafted immediately after his father's death, locals learned, and remembered the story. He was tall, and thin, a good looking man, like Abe Lincoln, but real. Twenty odd years later, I was the "boy". Old ladies would call to have some imaginary problem solved. "Don't send the boy" they would say. I need someone who knows what They're doing. By the time I was a licensed Master electrician, it pi$$ed me off! Now I am amused. Willie PS Enjoy the memories, you'll have that treasure when everything else is gone.
It is very hard to work alone, also its a bit dangerous. Doing work by your self is always a dance on the edge so to speak. Your going to think this may not be the safe way, but this is the only way I can get it done. When this happens your dace begins, go get someone to help or try it quick and bet your getting away with it. Be safe, is the best way, even if you cannot get it done, at least you go home. Have to agree Tarhe Driver, if this is not your dream, then maybe you need to step back and decide if its what you want to do.
I worked alone twenty years. I loved it. It isn't for everybody. In a sense it isn't as complicated. You only have one person to direct, No help, but no opposition. It wasn't a lonely life, I had other tradesmen, and a loving wife to come home to. Never been injured on the job, I think safety all day. It's the extra curricular stuff where I get injured. Willie
Between racing off road motorcycles and playing hard in other less than smart hobbies, I also have broke many bones and other injuries. In 44 years I never got hurt on the job except for a bruised knuckle when a person running into a public toilet slammed the door into it as I was reaching for the handle while heading out.
Thanks guys, talking helps. Sorry to hear about all yall's family business stores, but I'm afraid that those stores are all too common. Mom is really starting to wear me down. She's been accusing me of causing Dad's death since a few hours after he past. Every time she does that it's very hard on me, but tonight she did it in-front of my sister and that brought my sister to tears. The issue is Mom really resents that everyone involved in this situation wants me to receive power of attorney and manage the money. She grew up impoverished in Colombia so money and business decisions are totally foreign to her, where as Dad and I used to talk taxes, stocks and real estate when he would drive me to elementary school (I'm not kidding here....). I'm not saying I know everything, but I can deal with finances. Mom also has several undiagnosed mental issues she refuses to seek treatment for. Shes functioning, but when she gets stressed or flustered she loses control and can not think rationally. There are other issues, but that basically sums it up. She mentioned tonight what I think she's wanted to do for a long time. Take the life insurance money and go back to Colombia. She's violently against my plan to pay off the mortgages and stabilize the month to month budget. And until she signs the papers, legally I don't have much of a say so. My grades are starting to slip as she wants to fight with me when I'm trying to do homework or go to bed. And shes been attacking me with increasing frequency and severity as time progresses and I don't know how much more I can take. I need to focus and maximize everything and she's draining all my mental and physical energy and motivation. What little I have left. I probably should not be saying all this publicly. One day at a time I guess. Legally she can't do anything until the estate is settled and that could take a long time, so I have some time.
I'm sure your fathers death is having a big impact on your mom's mental health. It is not uncommon for folks to lash out at loved ones after the death of a person close to them, even screaming about the person whom died. There are support groups and folks out there to talk to. Please do so, it will help you make good and rational decisions, and may prevent you from doing or saying something that may be regrettable down the road. Hang in there, you are in my prayers. On further thought pondering your words, you mentioned tht your Mom has wanted to go back to Columbia for a long time. One thing you need to decide is if it the right thing to try to fulfill yours and your fathers dream with her life insurance money if its something she had no heart in. It a real tough decision and I wish you the best of luck.
I know it is. She had the issues before Dad past and now they are just getting worse and compounding. My Grandmother wanted me to go the campus psychologist too make sure that I don't go nuts and too also see if I could get some help for Mom. Or at-least learn more about what kind of options there are. Her desire to go to go back to Colombia isn't that she really want to go back to live there. She left for a reason and every time we go back to visit, shes the first one ready to come back. She's saying she wants to go back right now because she is just thinking she can get away from all her perceived problems here (such as new tires for the suburban or putting in the new sliding glass back door, normal maintenance type things). It's hard to explain, but when she says that shes really just threatening me. And yes it's her life insurance, but it's also my sister's inheritance. My sister doesn't want the farm to be sold and get moved to Colombia, but as she's under age right now, she has less of a say so than I. There is still time before any real decisions get made. Just have to cross that bridge when it gets here.
With that information about your mother, my opinion is that you had better abandon the farm plan. My opinion is that while in a moment of grief people might blurt out something, what she has been doing shows some lack of self control that will probably get worse. If she blames you for what happened, and says so openly, more than once or twice, it is time to move on I'm afraid. Love her and respect her unconditionally, and take care of her as best you are able, but I don't see how you can live under the same roof as her. Rent an apartment or cheap trailer nearby and focus on finishing your semester, or maybe it is time to withdraw if you are not too far in, I don't know how your courses are and try again next semester, and focus on your [independent and impartial] roles as executor. I hope this is applicable and correct for your situation.
As much as I hate the system, and all it's players, if your Mom appears to be ready to hurt herself or another (like you) physically, it's time to call for help. 911 if you have to. You can't stay, but you probably can't leave your younger sister there either. If you have access to mental health help at your campus by all means take advantage of it, for yourself and for advice on how best to get help for your Mom. Hang in there.
Yeah alskdjfhg , sounds like a tough situation . My advice would be to stay the coarse with your plans & ideas for the future . Don't depend on any insurance policy or inheritance for success . That money will disappear fast for people that aint got a good plan . Keep the faith with your ideas and work ethic . To be honest you probably would be better off sayin bye to college & hello to public work earning a dollar . Best wishes & pulling for ya Bro !:thumbsup
WOW, what a handful. I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't have anything useful to say, but that is a hugely more complicated situation than it was a day ago. On your own you can't fight her if she has control legally, there's no way she would be declared incompetent (unless there's way more than you've said). Even everybody else involved wouldn't matter to the court system. The only possible legal step you could try if she really does try to leave is your sister's protection. Child protection is a whole different legal standard than involuntarily taking away power of attorney due to incompetence, instability or whatever. A far better outcome would be getting counseling help. You can't change her, but you CAN do everything in your power to diffuse the situation so that things calm down to the point that she might sign over some control. Dealing with women, irrational women, irrational Latin women, is not this website's strong suit, a counselor may be able to help you more in that regard. There's NO WAY you can proceed with this hanging over your head. I vote for staying in college, it's easier than the real world in a lot of ways. Wire some tin cans over the mufflers, disconnect the batteries and walk away for the time being.
My mother was all my life a verbally mean woman. My niece once said "Poor grandpa, I feel bad for him." It was said she didn't have a filter. No thoughts were ever kept to herself. For many years she was Town Clerk of Mount Tabor. A couple times I've met a new person, they find out I'm from Mount Tabor, they want to know if I know that nasty town clerk. I reply "yes, we've met." I built my house across the road from my parents on land sold to me by neighbors who acted as grandparents. Knowing people warned me it wasn't a good idea. It worked fine 'till dad died. I guess he kept her in check. After that it was less pleasant. She bitcked about everything! Clean up her lawn, she'd say "It took you long enough" Cut up a dead tree, and clean it up, she'd say "Just cause you wanted the wood". She wasn't going to use wood one winter, so I didn't cut any of the very short stuff she needed. Then she decided she wanted wood. I'd cut down the twenty inch wood I had cut for myself, leaving a 15" piece and a little chunk. She hated that! Next year I cut short wood for her, she didn't want it. We alternated year by year. Father had always kept a shallow ditch preventing rain water from running into the garage at the bottom of the driveway. My son at age 16 was helping, he cleaned it out. She threw a fit! He ruined her driveway. Now she's gone. Few tears were shed, none by me. Willie
Sorry to hear of your loss. I have already lost both of my parents and I probably look at things a little different as my day job I am a health care provider. In this complicated difficult world try to enjoy every day to the full and treat everyone as you may never see them again. Tomorrow is a promise to no one.
alskdjfhg, you are an amazing young man. Your reaching out to this fine group is indicative of your maturity, for not many of your age would have done so. Let me address school for a moment, which seems to have generated several opinions. When my dad died when I was 15, I was too young to have dropped out of school, but after finishing high school I then spent three lackluster years in college trying to grow up, but never quite reaching it. I knew that at some point I was going to serve in the military, so I enlisted in the Army when I was 20. After 4+ years in the Army, I was ready to go to school when I got out, and achieved a university BS in business. Now, in no way am I trying to recruit you into the Armed Forces, but I strongly suggest you talk with somebody whose opinion you trust, and consider dropping out of school for the remainder of this term, and perhaps the next. Unfortunately, when schools are considering awarding scholarships or other neat things such as exchange-student opportunities, they often look only at the grade average, and the winner is often at the top of that range. Also, the chores of settling the estate and dealing with a grieving parent may be more than a full-time job, even before your school responsibilities are considered. There may be a bereavement option at school that would allow you to postpone your studies until your world got more stable. Please understand that I am not suggesting that you drop out of school, but I am suggesting that you consider it as an option. To continue in school at this point and get poor grades does not reflect the fine young man that your writings portray. However, if you are one of those rare people who can lose themselves in their books while studying, no matter what else is going on in your life, and can maintain a good grade-point average, then staying in school may very well be for you. Neill
I really don't know how to deal with Mom, We'll see what that therapist says next week. I have some ideas, but a lot depends on what happens in the next few weeks/months. As far as selling the farm, worrying about my mothers metal stability has made me want to keep it all the more. If I can get it paid off, it would be a place to stay rent free. The farm house (over 100 years old now) was totally refurbished a few years ago and is nicer and better insulated than the house in town. And as far as dropping out of school; I guess it is an option, but I think it would be better for me to try and stick it out. I'm almost half way done. Dad died on the weekend and then the next week I had three tests and a paper due. Obviously I didn't do very well on them. But that was the first test of the semester and the grades were close enough to reasonable I think that I can offset the poor performance with tests to come. My GPA isn't too great, it's a 3.0. Another reason to stick with school is that I don't think I could get a decently paying job right off the bat. No CDL, no crane cert, no welding cards, and no official proof that I can call myself a machinist. All these pieces of paper were things I was going to get to possibly help my engineering resume and because I need them from a practical legal standpoint. A lot of the folks I go to school with wouldn't be able to put on the steel toes and feel comfortable on the shop floor or at the job site where as I would prefer that to being in an office. But without having those little pieces of paper I think the opportunity cost of dropping school would be pretty high.
Your head is working well. Keep using it. Take the forks in the road best for you. Don't give up, throw nothing away. Be aware that some mothers can't be pleased, but you know right from wrong. Do right, life will work. You can never win your mother's approval, of that I am sure. I believe in God, it helps sometimes. Willie
I did not mean to drop out but maybe take a semester or a year off if a semester will make it so classes don't line up. Where I come from it does not matter how you get the classes just so long as you get them. I guess you might be on some kind of program that you get living money so long as you are in school? I don't have any experience with that. But I would submit you should be able to find any number of jobs and that might even work around your school. So long as you show up when you are scheduled and do the work without being stupid and don't drink or take drugs you will be ahead of 90% of the mechanical people out there even if you are only part time. Then you might have a leg up when it's time for full time work and never leave the shop you started at, who knows. Where I come from, small businessmen will make things work out for you, they need the help. If you want to move on to large business later then you can get the pieces of paper.
The cost of that lost opportunity is very high, when you try to catch up, or make it up, and get the paper later in your life. Your GPA isn't printed on your diploma; good enough to graduate is good enough. You are thinking. Keep doing that. Willie B said it best, above, @ #50.
Alskdjfhg, As I read your words, I might add this to some good advice that has been given. Loss of love will bring on depression and sorrow. You need to keep your ship sailing threw this storm. I have been down the dark road alone. Not sure if you do, but I would encourage you to workout with weights and run if possible. Strong mind = strong body vice versa. Don't dwell on the thoughts focus on the exercises. This is a natural way to fight depression and give your mind a break. This has pulled me through when everyone else could not. And take comfort in knowing that your father left you to fight the fight and that he has moved on to a better place and is with the lord and your still in the trenches to carry on. Sorry to hear of your loss and I wish you and your family the best.
I am sorry for your loss, and the best advice now, go see a lawyer now..tell him of the issues with your mother and if she is mentally unstable you can have her declared incompetent and you can have a judge put you incharge of your dads estate, yes it is hard emotionally on all parties involved, but it sounds as if you have your **** together and would do the right thing for your family..
I would not be in a hurry to hire a lawyer against your mother at this stage. That would alienate you for life no matter how it turned out. Being as she is going to a therapist, hang tough for a bit and see what happens. She may also benifit from a good check up by a MD. A lot of people have undiagnosed mental issues that are caused by physical problems. Many are completely curable or held in check by medication. I guess my feelings is to try to hang tough and encourage to get her help to cure her, not throw her away. Good luck, we are all pulling for you.
We are.
going to a lawyer for advice and knowing your rights is not going to alienate you from your mother, you dont have to take any action , but you can find out what you are legally allowed to do and what your rights are, you dont even have to tell your mom you are going, knowledge is the best way to fix whats going on..best of luck that it all works out for all parties involved..
Thanks for the comments guys, I haven't been ignoring, just been reading without much to say. Today was the service for Dad. Mom found an old picture, blew it up and framed it for display at the service. It was taken in fall of 1998, I was about a year and a half old at the time. And I have no reason to believe the picture was staged. We don't have many pictures of Dad, and this one stands out, to me it sums up Dad. He wasn't going to get that tire off any faster with me "helping", and I wouldn't remember him doing it with me. But like mom just said, we were partners in crime from day one. It hurts to see the picture, but I can't help but smile when I see it. We've still got those coveralls, except they didn't fit Dad anymore so I wear them. Dad sold that green explorer to our mechanic after it got totalled in a hit and run, the mechanic fixed it and drove it for many years, then gave it to his daugter, so I still see that car every once in a while. Apologies for the poor quality, the camera was having focus issues. Tuesday I go back to the lawyer and might get some real progress done.
It is a very good picture. Keep smiling.