Everyone has a favorite saying or two that they use on a regular basis. Here are a few of mine 1- 90% of the time the enemy of good is better. 2- Never judge a mans success by the number of presidents in his wallet. 3- If you would hang up that welfare radio and look at your gauges once in a while you would have less crap in your crap sandwich each day and turn off that radio talk show garbage too. Truck Shop
You can lead men over a cliff but never try to push them over it. If your less than 15 minutes early to work, you're late. Mike
I can't fix stupid...but I can fix what stupid did..
1, If they had clues for shoes they'd be walking in bear feet. 2, If they had **** for brains they wouldn't have enough to leave skid marks in their jocks. 3, the most useless barstard God ever shoveled guts into.
" I wouldn't walk across the street to pizz in his mouth, if his guts were on fire." { towards worthless people} {I'v been thinking that ALOT "lately"}
A smart man learns from his mistakes, a wise man learns from someone else’s mistakes.
If there were two people left on this earth one of them would be busy looking for a bat to kill the other one. Truck Shop
That's the way the mop flops. That guy ain't got the brains god gave a flea. If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose. I'm tryin to see your point, but I can't get my head that far up my own ***.
If you're going to be stupid you better be tough. I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. Did your mother have any children that lived? (Y'all know the movie haha) The secret to getting ahead is getting started. Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which one you need more. Never use money to measure wealth. Is your *** jealous of the **** that comes out of your mouth? I collect quotes so I have a ton more that have made me think, laugh or feel like an idiot! Haha
Two of my fathers quotes: Son your bulldog mouth is overloading your humming bird azz. When life gives you lemons; make lemonade.
Not my saying but a former boss said this when talking about his in-laws: "They couldn't pour **** out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!" And one my Uncle who was a carpenter would say a lot: "Close enough for this church!" See he was a good Presbyterian and this saying got started while he was working on renovations at the local Catholic Church! He said it every time the Priest was within ear shot!
I've laughed at every post so far. One I hear a long time from my ex-merchant marine WWII vet friend about his Uncle. "He's so tight (cheap) you couldn't get a raisin up his A$s with a splitting maul". And, "he'd skin a flea for it's hide and tallow".
One of the ways I describe how cheap my old man is.... He's so tight he throws nickels around like manhole covers.
F@cked up as a football bat...
If the dog hadn't stopped to take a $#!t , he'd have caught the rabbit
If life gives you Lemons, team up with someone who has a jug or Vodka. "He knows about as much about as much about (insert subject) as the average Aardvark"
Even a blind squirrel scores a nut from time to time.
"Good enough for the gals I've been sleeping with" When referencing clearances or trying to line things up: "Just a few blondes left, right, up, down etc" Old feller I apprenticed under always used to say "put down the purse princess and hit the damn thing already!" whenever someone was being a wuss with the sledgehammer.
I absolutely can relate to these. We usually would ask ,"does your wife know you took her purse" As far as measurements, .003 red, .007 blonde, .013 brunette, .050 or better black n curly. Hope I didn't cross a line here.
I'm off, like a brides nighty.. [leaving quickly]
If someone is slacking off and I get asked where or what they are doing "oh he is licking his nuts"
He is so slick he could wrastle a mountain lion and never get a scratch. If BS were music he would be a brass band. He's the only person I know that washed down the river of life and came out with all the sharp edges intact. If brain power was fire he couldn't light a match.
Or another one from one of my former bosses: "I thought I was wrong once, but turned out I was mistaken!" or, "If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't be able to blow his nose!" Just thought of another of his words of wisdom. When a parts guy would tell him he could have that part the first of next week: "If I wanted it next week I would be ordering next week!"
He's so cheap and tight he has threads on his ankles so he can screw his socks on in the morning. He or she is so skinny if they turned sideways and stuck their tongue out they would look like a zipper. He thought he had three hairs till he pissed out of one. He looks like the hind wheels of hard luck Looks like a ruby stuck in a goats ass to me [being critical of crappy work] Truck Shop
We all know what RCH stands for
That boy, he's 'bout as sharp as a marble. That girl fell out the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down. Get the lead outta yer ***!!! And you're proud of that? You eat too many red m&ms as a kid? I'd like to go back in time and hand yer daddy a rubber. Thats cute, but it's WRONG!
The answer to, is it tight. Like a frog's ***! There's always enough time to do it right, the second time. One old fella I worked with forever ago, always cryin how horny he was. He'd run around saying his junk was so hard, a cat couldn't scratch it.
His Daddy musta came in a flower pot, cuz he raised a bloomin idiot.. Said to a pregnant lady> Somebodys been eatin watermelon seeds.. OR.. you musta twisted your ankle BAD, cuz your belly is swellin up.. I go to the bank all the time & ask them> if they're giving out samples.. Lol
Assume every day will be a f&$@-up, and you won't be so surprised.
A wise mans mind may change, but a fools never will.
" There's some rope in the ruck box in case anyone feels the need to hang themselves " .
"Tighter than Dick's hatband"
You better figure out which side of the bread your butters on..
"if you don't like me now, you are going to hate me later" When someone is over engineering a repair or building something-- "we aren't taking it to the moon"
Right along the lines of>> I got 2 speeds.. if you don't like THIS ONE.. you dam sure aint gonna like the other one..
I am smiling. You don't want to see me pizzed off!!!!!
You’re only as smart as who you’re married to. That one will cause you to ponder a bit.
" Fix it rite but don't spend any money on it "
His overalls are size 68 with a hat size of 3. Truck Shop
All hat and no cattle. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. On occasion we tell our ground hands, we need you from the neck down. My grandpa used to say this about people who couldn't shoot. "He couldn't hit a bull in the *** with a bass fiddle". Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. They had to burn down the school to get him out of third grade.
When I worked for a company installing well pumps and water treatment equipment, the other technician always used to say "Looks good from my house!" When we finished an install in a customer's house. I laughed everytime.
"what you know about "X", {insert subject} you could fit in a thimble." W/ a strong Italian mob accent> "What I gotta do.. hire another guy??"
My favorite " The older I get the better I was" Think about that. So true!!
When I first started logging for my dad he would always say " Never enough time to do it right, but always a enough time to do it again" Alot to be said about that statement lol
My dad says it a little different, if you haven't got time to do it right, when are you going to have time to do it over?
Its all goobered up.
"We ain't building a piano."
At work "no guts- no glory" (just got to use it on junkyard!) "dumber than a box of rocks" "If it aint broke- you aint trying" "you just need a bigger hammer" " Happiness is a warm puppy ....... - said the anaconda lying on the sidewalk.." And last but not least: to my wife when working on any house hold project-- "It doesn't look to bad now, and kinda works. It may look worse, and not work at all when I'm done- are you sure you want me to fix it?" ( I know its long, but she says we need to communicate more)
"That dog wont hunt" = it wont work SNAFU = situation normal all fukked up "Worthless as tits on a boar hog" = useless What you say to someone milkin' a job - Dayum , didnt know that them things had udders..... "Dummer than a bag of hammers" Ok, now here's some from my Dad, Uncle, and others that i use now and then to make all these Oregon folks laugh or just call me hillbilly... Usetacould = used to be able to Sygogglin = all crooked leastways = at least suss it out = figure it out blinked = it gone bad, like "DaYum, that gear oil's blinked" Pert-near = almost Ideal = Idea to you west coast folks and the list goes on but its supper time ,
Gotta be 3% smarter than what you're working with.
Loose fit = "All wallered out".
This ones for BUICKSPEC>> "Its colder than a well-diggers ass"..
I'm busier than a cat covering up poop on a glass table
Couldn't find his *** with both hands. I'd rather shove a wet noodle up a wildcat's *** in a phone booth than....(insert unsavory task here) That's better than comfortable shoes and a warm place to crap My gut was so tore up I could **** through a screen door..... If we don't see you in the future, we'll see you in the pasture.
"madder than a smashed cat" [seriously pizzed-off] "I'd rather get kicked in the nutz than [insert task]" [I used to say, get up & go to work. lol]
"I sure hope he's not as dumb as he sounds"
Don't $#!t where you eat. Ain't no thread like a cross-thread. That looks like the south end of a north bound goat. Man, that thing shines like a diamond in a goat's ass. Raining like a cow pi$$ing on a flat rock. Smear some grease on it and get back to it, Nancy! Walk it off, ya baby! In my day, we would..... I know you all can finish that last one.
Just lifted this from pumpguy, "Not a problem" Bwahaha good for you. Best of luck
If i could buy him for what he is worth and sell him for what he thinks he is worth i would be rich.
God's gift to a shift knob. Yeah when he quits truckin-truckin is gonna go to hell. Truck Shop
He's got all the imagination of a beaurocrat...
Favorite of my dad when he suspected something was not right. "Something is horseshit in Denmark".
"There's no such thing as a free sausage"
When hiring; If you can’t fly, don’t land here. With a pushy boss; If you don’t like this speed you sure as he!! aren’t going to like the next speed. With an apprentice frozen by indecision; We can fix anything, we can’t fix nothing, now do something. When hooking in the “old days” and you have to be standing on a stump to do this at the top of your lungs; Run or die you sons o’ bitc#$!!!! Said of a truck driver; He’s always right, he talks to his shift knob all day and it never corrects him. When quitting; I came here it wear out my old clothes and meet a low class of people, I’ve done both so I can leave now. Said of a haywire outfit; I’ve been to two county fairs, smoked rope, saw two goats mate, saw a fat lady shave, and I still haven’t seen anything like this. Now just you go back to the shop and make out my check. When quitting the same haywire shop on the first day; Now you don't even need to pay me, I don't want a record of, or anybody to ever know I even thought of working here. Upon seeing the boss laid out by an irate employee about to quit; Hey boss, get up, so we can see him hit you again.
Couldn't get his $#it together if he ate a box of magnets!
**** that aint right(Comes from a Safety program we had STAR): [Stop Think Act Review] but **** That Aint Right works all too well.
After a close call...I could have been injured, or seriously killed.
Shine like a dime in a goats behind!
Rectum hell! Damn near killed em!!!
If bullsh!t was snowflakes you'd be a howlin' blizzard. Mike
from an old boss when something wasnt going rite , ah horseshit different boss when checking on you , is it coming around to your way of thinking mine on idiots he aint the sharpest stick , or he could mess up a wet dream other then that all i have is my favorite curse words while i talk to myself working on equipment lol
Not that way.... Your other left.
...LOL, "your OTHER left"..!!! IF I had a dollar for every time I said THAT ONE.. {Hey, that's another one..} "If I had a dollar for every time he [insert situation].... I'd be rich by now" I used to say "a nickel" cuz it was so common place for the guys to screw up.. AND I COULD get rich with all the nickels..
Worthless as a fur lined pizz pot! from my Dad.
"It ain't rocket surgery"
I had heard "Aint Rocket Science" but not surgery!!
"I've got two speeds, slow and stop."
Well the old tried and truth: All I have is the three of us, Me, Myself and I to get that done, don't expect it too soon.
When the boss tells me to do something and he knows I don't have any help. "I'll put a man right on it".
This is kind of my motto: "Can't **** it up any worse than it already is!" "Well staring at it isn't going to get it fixed"
Mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter. Rings don't plug holes. Better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6. He could tear up a crowbar in a sandbox with a rubber mallet. He's got summer teeth. Some er green, some er yellow and some er missin. She's one of the Lee sisters. Not sure of which though, homely or ugly.
I have some that probably only make sense to me and a few who know me "The secret is to not care" [said about minor pain, discomfort, hot or cold or something somebody declares they don't like, similar to "mind over matter"] "He never stopped to consider, was this idea crazy " [said about someone spouting a crazy idea] [also good advice to anybody coming up with a new idea, before promulgating it, consider if it really is crazy]
That is as big as it comes in that size!
I used to say this OFTEN, when 2 or more guys were standing around a machine talkin'.. "cant get no work done like that fellas.." {as your walking by}
F it till it's fixed or fix it till it **** Usually said to someone nervous to fix something but have noticed some of my customers have turned this into a company policy...
Fits tighter than your finger in your azz
It ain't rock science
He would complain if he was hung with a new rope.
WHO RANG THAT BELL! I use that when the shop phone rings. Truck Shop
Tighter'n a Bull's ass during fly time Harder than times in '29(again my Dad) Crank 'er til the water boils then choke it, I used that one a lot when guys could not get one started by normal means.
Well that don't sound good.... said right before something stops sounding at all.
Said to a Weyerhaeuser gravel truck driver by the truck boss when he wrecked a 2 month old gravel truck by driving it over a 200' embankment years ago; (SIGH) "Well, we were thinking about scrapping in anyway, in about 10 years...." No, I wasn't the driver, although driving for Weyerhaeuser at 19 years of age in the early 70s, I did some equally dumb stuff, just not quite so spectacular. All we knew was flat out and drive it 'til it broke.
Said by 1 of the Burton brothers at a Nascar interview>> "He grew-up in a different part of the house.." One speaks "perfect" English while the other one talks like Boomhower..
My dad use to tell people that when I {meaning me} turn eighteen and move out of the house. He was going to do a controlled burn to remove my bedroom from the rest of the house. Truck Shop
You can pick 2 of 3, can't give you all three. 1) fast 2) cheap 3) right
Was 'fitting' something yesterday and this one slipped out "I'm gonna need a bigger hammer."
When we're getting mean with a big sledge on something and the first poor b*****d to start swinging runs out of steam we generally ask, hey can I hold your purse for you?
Why dont you put your purse down and actually hit it, gets used by us. He's only got one brain and it aint real smart.
Sharp tool safety- "Avoid getting bloody, cut towards your buddy" My best friend that was a site super- "Watching you work is like watching someone trying to push a chain"
Rightie tightie lefty loosie except for over ton trucks and Dodges!!
Always torque to rated value then take 1/2 turn past squeal!
Torque spec: braaaaaap!!! brap! brap!
Said of a worthless hand; "He may be slow, but he sure is sloppy." Said of a slow hand who probably is worthless "You have to drive a stake to measure his progress." Said of a very good hand; "He's a fire and forget missile." Give him a job, you don't hear from him until it's done, faster than you thought. And, he tells you how he improved your idea and save money to boot. (Think I'll keep that one around a bit longer....)
The guys in the shop who were fed up w/ the way the customers were getting treated, start a new company moto>> WE'RE NOT HAPPY, UNTIL YOUR NOT HAPPY.. & then there was 1 of my favorites>> WE'LL FIX YOUR EQUIPMENT IF IT TAKES EVERY PENNY YOU'VE GOT...
My father used to say "he could worked all day in a hand basket" meaning never got much done. When something went wrong it was It went to hell in a hand basket.
And "IF" my Aunt had a d**k she'd be my Uncle.. >said to people who were BIG on "if's".. "if" you did this or "if" you had done that..
The driveway works both ways, when you get to the bottom, you can turn left or right, it makes no difference to me which way you turn... What my grandfather used to say to people who wanted to dicker price down, on something he was selling...
I walked into a welding shop run by a crusty old guy with my dad one time just when the old man walked out the door and threw a piece of steel down into the swamp and told his customer in no uncertain terms if the ***** thing isn't worth $5 bucks it's not worth anything and politely said hello what can I do for you today to my dad and myself . I have used that same logic many times since, though more politely
"we screw the other guy and pass the savings on to you" Local bar had that on there sign for a couple years, made me laugh every time I drove by. I think I was the "other guy" Ha.
" behind every beautiful woman, is a guy that's totally sick of her ****." I've got a co worker who can't but help stare at every girl that goes by, I try to give him a little reminder if I can.....
If its got tits, tires or tracks it's gonna be a pain in the ass.
If I had wheels I'd be a wagon. That's the other I hear in those "if" instances.
thats gonna leave a mark.... are ya drunk, stoned or just stupid? once while i was sitting in my service truck on the phone with my boss during an ice/sleet storm... "thats gonna start hurting & bleeding as soon as my hand thaws out" it did, as i watched blood trickling down onto my paperwork...
'Not the sharpest tool in the shed', 'if he had half a brain he'd be dangerous', 'Question, did your folks have any kids that lived?', 'Bad waste of good air'.
That would drive an old mare to bite her colt. Purdier than a new born Hereford calf.
If you need me I'll be in the can giving birth to another [boss/apprentice/truck driver/equipment operator...]
We called that building a helper!! Always failed and was flushed!
I used this line on people who owned businesses in a town I use to live in.------When they put their boots on in the morning {the right one is who will I} {left one is F!#k today} can't use Ralph or Jerry I worked them over yesterday . Truck Shop
where i used to work if more then 2 of us were triing to figure out how an oddball piece of equipment came apart boss would walk buy and say (hope a hand grenade dont go off) he wasnt a fan of logical team work unless it was somthing he was working on and needed help with
Steep ground: "Steeper than a cow's face." Heavy rain: "Rainin' like a cow peeing on a flat rock."
'Toad Strangler rain', then 'drier than a Popcorn Fart'.
You can't fix STUPID
I saw this somewhere on the web.. sign on a hardware store marque'... YOU CANT FIX STUPID.. BUT YOU CAN NUMB IT WITH A 2X4..
Dam Walker.. I think we had the same boss?? There would be 4-6 groups of people standing around "****-chatting".. & I leave my work space for 3 minutes to ask a technical question about something I NEVER worked on before.. & he'd TRACK ME DOWN, walking past ALL the groups of people doing NOTHING & ask me WHAT I WAS DOING.!!! & I was THE ONLY ONE working..!! **** idiot..
yeah same here i would have an auxilary section out of an eaton putting a synchro in it and if i wasnt there when he looked he would find me , problem was i was the only trained truck mechanic there so if i saw something being done way wrong i would go train them a bit cuz i didnt want to have to go back and refixx it . working on heavy equipment has its merits now boss rarely comes sees me when im out in the landfill working on something
I like my boss NOW.. he lets me smoke & take breaks, whenever I want.. even lets me watch tv during the day.. & sometimes I sneek in a nap.. This guy is KOOL.. Lol
Homey don't play that... Used when a youngster asks a stupid question, or asks for something ridiculous...
That's some funny sh*t right there.!!! That was 1 of my favorite shows.. What about "handi-man"?? nana na nat nana.. its Handi-man.. Lol Fire Marshal BILL?? TOO FUNNY!!! The "crack-head"?? "Lemme hol adolla".. IF ANYONE hasn't seen the show> go to u tube & look it up.. They ALL had catch phrases.. Stuart?? "look what I can do"..
Somewhere I think I may have a pair of Dead-On gloves & the tag says- " If the limb isn't completely severed, continue working "
I had a sticker on one of my trucks that said- "DANGER Inspector Buried Below Call Before You Dig"
You can't fix stupid but you can muffle it with duct tape. Mike
Lead, follow, but get out of the way.
And let us not forget Anton...
YEA, that it.. I forgot his name.. {crackhead}
A co-worker used to say this when talking about 'certain' operators "He's smooth with the rough work and rough with the smooth work" At the end of my first day running a dozer the boss drove in and got out of his pickup. As we were standing there looking over my work I said.. "Well... what do you think?" He pointed up in the sky and said "Look up there.... it's so rough the birds won't even land there. Now if you can get it so a horse can cross it, we got it made."
Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.
Get good, then get good and fast.
Faster by minutes and slower by hours.
Penny wise.... pound foolish. see this one a lot on big jobs.
Stepping over a five to pick up a buck-see it every day. Truck Shop
YUP>> steppin over a dollar to pick up a dime..
If it went together easy you probably forgot some parts!
A farting horse will never tire and a farting mans the man to hire. If you notice my favourites are all old time farmer sayings.
From my old foreman when we wanted to try a different procedure on the production line. Faint heart never ***ked a pig
Any horse can fart first thing in the morning, but it takes a good horse to fart last thing at night.
When a old man (or woman) dies a library burns down. I use this as a reason to tell the same stories over and over again.
Ya' win some... ya' lose some....
I'm sure I am as guilty of that as the next guy! I think a couple of the things I posted in this thread I have posted at least once before in some other thread!
When an old man ( or woman) or anyone for that matter dies---- They bit the green weenie.
I hear that shared among my jarhead co-workers. They say it's a marine thing.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, it's an electrical problem. I need too make a chalk mark to see if your moving.
1. Tighter than a....... oops, can't do that one here.
This appears to be a Walt Disney Production.
Most popular phrase lately, "DAMN, Its cold"
Yup, OIH.. "colder than a well-diggers ass".. sorry, couldn't help myself.
My grandpa drilled water wells for over 30 years, so I knew of that one, LOL. I also thought about posting "colder than a witch's....." well, hopefully you guys know the rest.
Way I heard that last one wuz colder than hillery's elbows...
And another favorite, I know its not PC, but... He's dumber than the window likker on the short bus...
Something very good: "Slicker 'n cow slobbers"
>Slippery< "slicker than owl sh*t"..
And that's the way I r'members it.
I found it that way..... that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
Ronsil> boy oh boy does that bring up some memories.. IF I HAD a nickel for every time I heard THAT ONE, between the "new guys" & the "lowlifes" at my old job.. I'd be rich.. "it was like that".. That & "I don't know, I haven't seen it".. When I'm looking for a special tool.. & the guy I asked, JUST tore down a pump, 10 minutes ago, that REQUIRED THAT TOOL inorder to get it apart..
For use in a tense moment-{He was so scared you couldn't drive a needle up his *** with a sledge hammer} Truck Shop
When people ask me, "do you think I can rebuild this pump myself"?? Depending on their skill level.. I usually answer>> "do you know how to build a watch"??
Overheard at work & thought it was the funniest thing I ever heard coming from 1 mechanic to another>> "you need to take those tools back to NAPA where you gott'um & think about changing careers.." I'm laughing right now as I type it.!!!
Half of what I forgot you will never learn. You're so FOS your eyes are turning brown. Blow it out your barracks bag.(No idea what that means, an old saying my Dad said when some ahole would blow his horn.)
The one I hear every day from my apprentice/helper (great kid by the way). " Shut up Rob, you can't always be right!" .
What's that cost you for him to tell you that ? Hahaha
It's about 22 bucks an hour. But it's really amazing how fast he's learning and he really wants to learn. Got him on a 3406B inframe right now an he's doing a great job. You just don't find these guys anymore. It helps he grew up on a farm.
Tuneys got it.. & I'm guilty of saying it myself "atimer two".. "I've FORGOTTEN more about this sh*t, than you'll EVER KNOW".. so shut your mouth & listen..
The difference between theory and reality is that in theory there is no difference.
Don't stain your milk ( when someone is taking a heavy lift ) Finer than frogs hair You had to line him up with a fence post to see him move
Hopefully he sticks around usually the ones that want to stay have 100 lb feet solid ears and the mouth takes up most of the face....
Said by Tom Selleck in "Monte Walsh", "you have no idea how little I care". Mike
It was supposed to be don't strain your milk
LOL, I've been racking my brain trying to figure that one out.... I thought you meant to type dump instead of lift or something along those lines
Had a bloke at a site we used to call "opium" ...slow working dope. Another bloke on site; very thin and always wore a wide brimmed hat, we called "roofing nail" A few years back a cheeky apprentice told me he was going for a sh*t I said "hang on a sec" and put a cross on his sleeve with chalk "what's that for?" he asked I replied "I just want to make sure the right turd comes back"
One of my favorite is " that's why we can't have nice things" Or "your a constant source of disappointment"
"it's not rocket surgery" (from our old radio tech, a bit of a space case) we're not making corn flakes here"
I am not a pair of boots walking around.
a few of mine finer than frog hair slicker than snot on a door knob he don't have good walking round sense he is a waste of good oxygen (when the food is ok but not great) its better than lickin a rock dumber than a sack of hammers they can break edges off of ball bearings prolly the best I have heard in a long time was told to a countersales man at a supply house last week...."NO I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes I can see your a train wreck from all the way over here!!!"
“A bit more choke and she would have started”...to someone who just let one rip.
That's hilarious QL..!!!! I wish I'da seen this a couple of months ago.. 2 dirtbags at work used to walk up on ya & let one rip.. I thought it was one of the MOST disgusting things ever.. THAT & FORCING a burp.. I'm no prude by any stretch of the imagination BUT.. I will walk out of a room to "pass gas" if need be. Say, after a nite on the town, drinking draft beer & eating jalapeno & cheese drenched nochos.. Lol
I overheard the companies IT guy explain a computer problem to the boss one day.. He said it was an, "ID-10-T user malfunction".. & it should be up & running in a few minutes.. I wanted to learn, so after the boss left I asked him what THAT was.. He said.. write it out.. So I did>> "idiot".. We had a GOOD LAUGH at that one.. cuz the boss had NO IDEA what he was talking about & nodded like he knew ALL ABOUT computer lingo & the problem.. LOL
Not me, My favorite place to f##t is the fresh meat case at the grocery store. People push their cart on by thinking something is rotting. Truck Shop
Brings to mind one of my grandmother's favs, He aint worth a fart in a galestorm...
LOL TS, funny AND disgusting .. & they always walk SLOW, checking prices..
"You plant corn you'll grow corn " Said about someone that's not very bright or trashy that has parents that are similar.
Years ago on the old airlines one could let a really eye watering rotten one and the flavor would come around albeit a little less each time as the old planes recirculated most of the air to keep the planes warmer. Hard to keep the grin off and play innocent by the third pass. You could measure success by how many hands went up and shut the air off.
Flavor-my brother likes to use that term. If its disgusting I like it everyone says. Truck Shop
Y'all oughta try the sharter, fer laffs. Mix it with a puff of liquid ***, and assault might be the result, LOL!
Came to mind just the other day working the tire, From a long gone friend years ago. Could hear it all across the shop and will still make me laugh! Come bleed or bust you sonsabitch I done spit on you fer the last time!!
LOL.. When I was a kid, we "snowballed" this fellas house.. me & my little brother just pelleted this guys entire house for minutes on end.. all of a sudden the front door comes flyin open & here he comes.. FULL THROTTLE.. He chased us for blocks.. And just when he was gonna get ahold of my collar, he yelled> I GOTCHA NOW YOU SUNAVA B***CH.. & just at the same time I grabbed ahold of a pole & cut a U-turn..at a full run !!!! ROFL!!! being 10 years old I was pretty agile.. The poor guy ended up face first in a snow bank.. I was probably 10 or so & NEVER FORGOT THAT & still use it today.. I GOTCHA NOW YOU SUNAVA B--CH!!! It brings back some very fond memories.. LOL
i would agree with you but then we would BOTH be wrong!
Poor kid can't find his ass with both hands He's nuttier that squirrel turds slicker that goose crap Fits like socks on a rooster That'll do pig, that'll do Got so scared ya pinched a hole in the seat Could shoved charcoal up his ass and it'd come out cubic zirconium Hit it with your purse (if it still won't move) Hit it with your moms purse damifino wide open till ya see god, then brake Hang on newt, she's gonna buck
Being a field tech, I at times get help from others, such as the operator or a hand on site. Which by me is fine - pass me this, pass me that. Go turn it over and the like. Thing is they just love sticking their fingers into places they shouldn't be. I find I'm constantly saying "Watch your fingies" or "Get your mitts off of there!" I've got young kids, and it feels the same.
About as much use as tits on a frog. Wouldn't trust him to put battery in torch. I stand about as much chance of growing fanny than that ever happening. Now i know what a monkeys fu*king a football looks like. Like a pig handling musket.
Got called one the other day, "Bout as handy as a bent nail and rusty as one been out in the yard a few years" About my driving, since had not driven from about 1996. Odd machines here and there and my own junk but been away from Tractor trailer sets for over 20. Getting the rust off still and managed to straighten some that useless bent nail.
OK< I understand tits on a frog, the monkey and football, I think I understand battery in torch (flashlight.) But for us on this side of the pond enlighten us: Pigs and Muskets? Growing fanny? I may have a need to know when I am being insulted, so I can appreciate it better. It is always a waste of a good insult if the recipient does not know they are being insulted....
After work; "The fish aren't any bigger in this bar than they were in the last." Tall fellow; "He's tall enough to hunt ducks with a rake." Life and death; "Might as well spend it, you never see a luggage rack on a hearse." For a marginal manager; Maybe the boss isn't an idiot, but he'll do until one gets here. You have to be sitting in mud with rain and snow running down your back; "Every day a holiday , every lunch a picnic." Told to me by an old hook tender who just dodged a date with death right before my eyes; "Heh, Heh, Heh, I'm going to die of natural causes; at the hands of a jealous husband, now where's my damned snoose."
I think I can translate some... I think fanny is slang for female genitalia in this instance. Pigs and muskets; I guess just imagine a young hog with an antique long gun. That one is kinda odd...
I have heard it as... like a cow handling a musket..... someone who is being very clumsy. Brings to mind, cows with guns...lol On edit.... sorry, I couldn’t resist.
I have always been pig handling musket, was some who was on the hand fisted, or awkward handle something or doing a task.
He's All Thumbs, cannot find his ass with Both hands as doesn't know where to look, if he used his hands for hammers would be more useful.
Cows with guns was hilarious! I would give a lot for my father to see that! He was a cattleman, and it fit his sense of humor perfectly!
Remembering how to hook up trailer air lines: "Red Reft" "My bosses invented copper wire by fighting over a penny" " Another day in paradise... "
Are we co-workers?
Slightly off topic here, but this was in some of my papaw’s things. It was a company he worked for a little while in the 80’s.
When asked how your doing. " just living the dream"
"Which way did they go, how many were there, I have to find them I am their leader"
My favorite variation of this... Your mom should've done us all a favor and swallowed you.
Also About as much use as nuts to monk. And your mother gave brith did slap the baby or the mum, in your case i bet they slapped the mother.
We do it Nice because we do it Twice!!!
rough as a bullocks *** sown up with a plough chain. ugly as a hat full off spiders as much use as a cigar lighter on a motor bike. the faster i go the behinder i get.
I coulda been an astronaut, Dam these eyes....lol
If brains were dynamite he'd wouldn't have enough to blow the wax out of his ears ........
I think his son is going to be an astronaut, he's just taking up space.
On how tight to torque "Pull till you puke, and another 1/4 turn" On intelligence "Few logs short of a full load" (logging term) on swinging a hammer "Hit it like you mean it, don't tickle it" I find now a days, most kids can't swing a hammer to say their soul. On truck drivers and operators "The only level he checked this morning was the coffee in his thermos"
I was filling "the tank" the other day & in pulls this "hooptie" 2 lanes over.. Radio BLASTIN.. Nigg** this, **'r that.. naturally he has to go IN & pay.. no cr.crd.. all the while the radio's blastin.. He comes out, pumps about 4.00 in this POS & sits there.. ***?? On the other side of him, "a good ol boy" pulls in filling up his boat.. I look to see what the idiot is doing.. he smoking "a bowl".. in front of God & everybody.!!! sitting at the gas pumps.!!! I make eye contact w/ the good ol boy.. & YELL>> AND THEY WONDER WHY WE HATE'M.. We both laughed so hard I thought I was gonna bust..
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if it wasn't fer yer assh ole, yer belly would bust... Just somethin my grandmother usedta say...
Do you know how fast you were going? [in a truck] "85 and I run out of numbers"
No, I don't know how fast I was going, but obviously you saw a need to talk to me about it. (No I didn't get a ticket, just a verbal warning to be more observant on my way to work. He was laughing as he said it.)
Looks good at 55 from the highway Cose enough for government work Thats a prime example of how not to do it right. In reference to a well drilling years back, he's so lousy he couldn't find water if he fell out of a boat in the middle of the ocean, in relating to how often he actually found water and the well being good. In reference to someone who's just about to figure out the problem.........he's about to have a Hellen Keller moment. I called years back to ask about someone's previous employee I was thinking about hiring, when I asked the owner why he let him go I was told. The toughest decision he could make every day was whether to put regular or light beer on his cereal for breakfast. I've since used that statement many times over the years. He has one speed, too bad its reverse. He's perpetually stuck in neutral. That [machine of choice] couldn't pull a horny 90 year old off a wet whore. He has the world by the tail with a downhill shove. And to think, the engineer got paid and someone built it. If you don't have time to do it right the first time, at least the bolts will come out easier the second time. According to the book rate, it takes half as long to do the job the second time around. I had a salesman tell me once, "we cheat everyone equally" Come on in, everything else has gone wrong today. If we return the part, refund your money and shoot the manager, will that be sufficient. Only a farmer and contractor would bitch about a wet hole. Years ago, when stuck with an excavator, I got the call to bring something to help pull them out, when I asked how stuck they were and how wet it was, I was told "when the operator gets out of the cab and swims to the surface I'll can ask him and let you know" So since, I always ask, "is it a walk out or swim out kind of stuck" You do great work, but not much of it. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance baffle them with BS.
Accidents do cause people If you don't believe in life after death, be here at 5pm every day. We're not paid for what we know, we're paid for what we get done. In reference to government approved work, it was designed by the government, laid out by them, built to their specs, and approved by them........then failed, any questions? If its not working correctly, dumb it down till it does. If there was a lot of money in it, no work involved, and nobody expected any results, then all the politicians would want your job You get what you pay for Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone Drive it like you stole it The problem is simple, its not working and it should, figure it out. If all else fails, read the instructions Buy them books and send them to school, and what did they learn Insanity is repeating the same thing many times but expecting a different outcome The third time might be the charm, but don't expect to be paid for the last two When I'm right nobody remembers, when I'm wrong, nobody forgets I was once told, help like you is a dime a dozen, so at the end of the day I handed the boss a dollar bill, he asked what it was for, I told him to hire 120 people to take my place, I quit. Take your time, we have all day Don't rush, your replacement isn't here yet. Its hard to believe your mother didn't smother you in your sleep We keep him around to make the others look better Nobody is so bad they can't be used as a bad example If I had good equipment, the first person I'd have to fire is the mechanic, so tell me again what I need to buy so you don't have to work so hard?? If you don't like my equipment you have to run, we can solve that problem, but your probably not going to like my solution
1. I will accept perfection until I can improve on it.
Perfect is ALMOST good enough .
If you don't have time to do it right the first time, at least the bolts will come out easier the second time. For some reason this brought to mind a certain D6 with a 3306 up in Minn! And if you don't know what I'm referring to consider your self lucky!
Perfection is the enemy of good enough.
When good enough works why ruin it with perfection.
No job is perfect if it isn't cost-effective.
you just gotta **** with the c**k you got
Said when somebody is whanging on an especially noisy or rattly piece of sheet metal or really heavy hammer blows. Especially when done near an office or someplace normally quiet: "What are you doing in there, fixing your watch?"
That guy is the perfect example of someone using a pillow case as a contraceptive. Truck Shop
How is that my problem?
Lack of planning on your part does not create an emergency on my part.
And that reminds me of, "Ain't no thread like a cross thread."
When in doubt, twist it! (motorcycle thing)
There are lots of fishing laws here in FL, what you can take and what you can't. The local saying goes: I'm on the filet and release program.
*** bleed or bust, I done spit on you for the last time! Back off and hit it harder, its softening up(Old Rockwell Axle shafts with the dozen 1/2" locking wedges) Tighten to half past squeal then go another 1/2 turn.
He could break the horn off a anvil.
Could destroy a anvil with a powder puff Has not the sense to pour **** out of a boot Can almost find his Ass with both hands or cannot find it With both hands. If sense were a commodity he'd be starving
He aint worth a fart in a gale storm... Another of my grandmother's ones...
Well, Grandma had the one that sticks tightest: Women are Mean, Men are Stupid, Men are Dogs(always looking for something to hump). She stated that for FOREVER and she fit the bill sweet as she could be had a mean streak a city block wide!!
Unidentified parts..."that's a rimrammer for an elderberry seeder." New machine..."sexier than a 3 pecker billy goat." Anything tilted..."it's leaning toward Fisher's."
That's funny, it seems most unidentified parts around here get attributed to some kind of seeder.
Strip it....then back it off 1/4 turn It looks fine from where I live Sharp as a bowlin' ball
That one reminded me of back in the late `60's when my brother was working summers at the quarry.One day they were changing screens in the plant and had him inside tightening the bolts. He asked how tight they should be. Told him to get them as tight as he could. After breaking three they said not quit that tight!
Tighten it until it gets loose, then back it off 1/2 a turn is how I heard it.
Measure once and cut twice ! Its always good to be a little backwards.
time will tell sh#t will smell and cream will come to the top
Probably said by 99% of our members>> {frustrated } " AWW, ***k-IT I'm takin a break"..
No I was more a destroy it so had to change it sort when got to the really frustrated level!! That did adjust away as I aged and learned. "*** Bleed or Bust you SOB I done spit on you for the last time", then something would explode besides my temper!!
I use, That is as big as they come in that size quite often
"If it wont go... Force it... If it breaks, it was junk anyway".
no don`t force it get a bigger hammer
If it don't fit, hit it with a hammer If it breaks, well it needed to be replaced anyways
Might be repeating myself here Don't let fear and common sense hold you back
Right along the lines of>> "Feelin' froggy?? JUMP M.F'r, Jump!!." Usually heard in a bar, after a few to many bottles of liquid courage.. Whats the one about writing a check w/ your mouth, that your azz cant cash?? I've heard it so many different ways, I cant remember 1..
That's FUBAR (**** up beyond all recognition)
Chassi nail. Was told that when the holes wouldn't line up and I couldn't get a bolt in, first time I was told I didn't understand boss said get a fu@&$n big hammer and belt it in. Saying "click" when you just let off the trigger on a rattle gun, when it should have been tensioned. Another that's often used to describe someone, lights are on but no one's home.
“It’s fingered.” When describing a breakdown, or part that has failed. “Send it.” When handing back plant to Production.
Want (or wish) in one hand and **** in the other, see which one fills up first.
Had a ‘same but different’ saying when working in Papua New Guinea: you enter the country with a bucket in each hand, one for money, the other for ****. Which ever fills first is when you leave.
"Comprehensively Donald Ducked" (fcuked) "There's nothing like organization, and what we have here is nothing like organization"
Bolt hole not lining up or threads damaged, "Grind a point to it, drive it like a nail"
“Throw some anger at it.” When describing when parts won’t come loose...and isn’t that all the time! The ‘blue tipped spanner’ - oxy set “Make it take it.” When fitting parts that you had in to ‘throw some anger’ at. I reckon that’s my trade in a nutshell.
A crossthread is still a thread
If you can’t fix it with a hammer it’s an electrical problem
Not always... I have done my share of "Percussive Therapy" on electrical components to get things fired off for the day 'til I could get replacement parts.
Saves money on locktite too.
We call the Blue Spanner a Gas Axe here.
We always called it the "Oxy/Acetylene endwrench".
A bit like this you mean ......??
Yup, here as well.
Hehe...I remember seeing the same meme and someone had transposed a nuke blast on the last picture. Words were something like "are we done yet." Something to that effect, it was quite humourous...only a fitter, or what you call mechanics, would get.
There is nothing common about common sense There is no end to what a fool can do About as useful as a mans t*t . Of ornamental value only
Like t*ts on a bull...
Ya . Bulls t*ts never did much . one more His mouth was the only thing that ever worked hard . I only started reading this thread yesterday . I nearly pissed my self many many times
here's a couple- tighter than a mosquito's ass stretched over a rain barrel also,- there is no mechanical problem so difficult that it can not be overcome with brute force and ignorance
"He's only got two working parts, his mouth and his ******* - and they're both interchangeable" ........
You plant corn you gro corn. Usually said about dumb or trashy people with the same for parents.
Locked up tighter'n a bulls ass at fly time! Tighter than Dick's hatband, Dumber than a box of rocks, could not find his ass with both hands, beat with a 'Ugly' Stick, dumb enough to answer his own questions, a few that came to mind today. Don't ask why!! Was at a Ford Dealer shop.
Every day is his first day. I can teach you anything you want to learn. The wiser you are, the less you know. My every day reminder: wisdom is made up of strength and humility. Work harder, not smarter. For us californians: No se, me tonto.
Locked in an empty container with two cannonballs....you'd loose one n break the other!
So..you are an "expert"! Definition of an expert is "X" is the unknown, "spert" is a drip under pressure. So you are an unknown drip under pressure!
If your brain was leather wouldn't be enough to saddle an ant. If your brain was put into a thimble it would bounce around like a B B in a box car.
If brains were gasoline ... he wouldn't have enough to power a ****-ant's mini-bike halfway around a B-B .. .
It was like rolling a hotdog down a hallway.
I used to work with a guy who would offer the advice "Don't pet a burning dog." Which, I will confess, seemed hard to dispute. Once we were together in a plumbing shop, and one of us made that comment. The staff member there looked at us with shock, and asked where we had heard that. According to him, that was a mis-speaking of some advice from a steel mill, where the correct phrase was "Never climb down a burning dog" and "never ride on a melting pig", in reference to equipment/vessels in a mill. Dad had a few gems that have appeared here already. One of his favorites was (usually) in reference to cattle ranchers that were poor with machinery "If you gave that guy an anvil to operate, he'd break it..." In reference to engineers/designers - "If its not broken, it doesn't have enough features..." You can fix everything with WD40 and duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40. The torque spec: Tighten it until it breaks, then back it off a half-turn. Or, perhaps more helpful, stop twisting a half-turn before it breaks. The best manager I ever had was fond of saying "Are ya kiddin' me?" On project work, I have started using a couple.... 1) the only way a project ever gets done on time is if task #1 is building a time machine, and it gets completed successfully...., or 2) there's no problem that we can't fix with money. Or 3) It could be worse - we could have to do this for a living.... But probably the one that makes me smile most is a highly respected colleague who used to describe a good situation by saying "You're sh&tting in high cotton now..." Or the tee shirt that says "Common sense is so rare now that it must be considered a super-power." Thanks for the posts, everyone. This was a great chuckle. danr Oh, one more - a former boss managing a crew running equipment on durability tests used to say "For this next job, step one is to put your brain in your lunch box."
"I usta be a people person.. but people ruined it.."
Scum, like cream, rises to the top. If you gotta run junk, you gotta have a lot of it. If it ain't broke, it ain't mine.
"If he got any dumber he'd stop breathing" "Couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight" "if you worked as much as you talked, you'd be unstoppable"
"If brains were dynamite he wouldn't have enough to blow the wax out of his ears." "Run that by me one more time ....... Why should YOUR lack of forward planning constitute MY emergency...?"
I don't have but 2 speeds and if you don't like this one i know you wont like the other
Or, in other words, **** floats...... The above was once said to me by a man I have a lot of respect for. His question to me that generated the answer above was “Do you want to know how Management works..?”
as Red Green would say, " if it ain't broke, you ain't tryin "
**** runs downhill, gravy runs uphill.
I`m curious about this antigravity gravy?
Saw a news article about the space station food for thanksgiving and they had all the trimmings including gravy like that.
think i`ll pass
You get a job with gravy in it and you'll see how gravy runs uphill.
Well a friend of mine who was a plumber/electrician had a different take on that when it came to plumbing in a house. He would say that "**** runs down hill and stick goes up hill", that's how you know which way to install drain and vent pipes!
That's "stink goes uphill" right?
That's a good one, reminds me of this:
So true!
"I'll believe you this time... but never lie again." "If brains were gas, he wouldn't have enough to power a mouse's motorcycle around the inside of a Cheerio." "Useless as a screen door on a submarine." And my favorite stolen from another rider: "If I can just get the holeshot, I can work my way to the back of the pack in no time!" And from a No Fear poster: "You must always push the limits. Because if you never fail you will never succeed."
"Marching or fighting - I get paid the same" "Not my circus, not my monkeys"
I use that latter as to Politics!! I used the prior often in the Garage or when at contract work, Get paid the same standing and talking as working on your machine.
I tend to use the first one when I have come up against a brick wall, usually in upper/corporate management, while fighting for change......
An electrician needs to know something, all a plumber needs to know is sh*t runs downhill Don't recall seeing that job at career day when I was in school Its not truly screwed up till the government gets involved Never pound with a big wrench when a small one will do If you think its high priced now, wait till its free [referring to health insurance] His daddy should have rolled over and shot him out the window 6 billion sperm and he's the fastest swimmer?? I'm not saying he's an alcoholic, all I'm saying is we should wait till his alcohol stream has some blood in it so then we can test it, referring to passing a drug/alcohol test. A customer told me this a few years back in referring to his new JD tractor, the only good thing about it is the 800 number engraved on the side frame, I asked what 800 number and he told me. The one you dial, its 800 get your a** out here and fix this POS in referring to the warranty.
**** runs downhill and don't chew your fingernails... What are the 9 scariest words in the English language: I'm with the government and I am here to help. Jackie Gleason in Smokey and the Bandit: The best part of you ran down your mommas leg.
LOL, that's ten words
I got a going away plaque from one unit that informed me that I apparently said "knock that **** off" a lot.
Heard this today about a guy's ex-boss. "I don't know what we should do, but get started and tomorrow I'll come by and tell you what you're doing wrong."
Those of you that think you know everything really annoy us that do.
Why you looking at me??
I wasn't. Just something I tell the kids.
Usually when talking about our line of work. If it were easy everyone would do it, and if everyone did it it wouldn't pay for ****
Don't chew your fingernails, reminds me of burning a house down years back, we had to have the septic pumped to demo that as well, so the area drunk showed up with the pumper guy, [to help him I guess] and as the pumper man sucked and blew back and forth to clean out the tank, we had to add water with a garden hose to get enough liquids to suck up the sludge. So as the homeowner and I both watched, the drunk came over and picked up the hose, which was hanging into the liquid inside the tank about three feet, pulled the hose out and drank from the end and then stuck it back into the tank. The homeowner and I both looked at each other and said at the same time, did you see that, then we each had to walk away and sit down for a while, that got us both. To this day when I see that homeowner, he always brings up the subject of watching the town drunk, pull the hose out of his septic tank and take a drink, he even told me once, after that, he's never taken a drink from any hose he's ever had, not even if its brand new, you never know where its been, and I'll agree with that completely. So if you think you've seen it all, about then someone will come along to prove you wrong, never in my wildest thoughts would I think anyone would do that...........then I was proved wrong. The upside was, the drunk lived till just this last year, a drunk driving single vehicle incident got him in his upper 70's.
If it took no work, no brains, there was a lot of money in it and plenty of press coverage, all the politicians would want our job.
Must be your *** talking cause your mouth knows better.
I’m using this. Today if I can.
I tell it to my woman everyday almost.
I wouldn't say **** if I had a mouthful is another one of my favorites.
We buy them books and send them to school and what did they learn?? Its a good thing they sew your name on your shirt otherwise you'd never remember who you are. I've heard it several ways before, "you must have taken the old employment application test, the one that used crayon's", "it might be close enough for government work, but around here we don't use crayon's." I'm no Indian scout, but where's there's smoke, fire is usually close in the area. An old timer once told me, you only need to know a few things about tiling [ag drainage], the machines needs a cab with heat, be on tracks, have a winch and water runs downhill, ability to maintain grade will determine what you can charge, the better you are at it, the more you can charge. So and so has forgotten more than you'll ever know Ever notice that when your kids are in trouble, your wife always calls them your kids, when they do something good they are hers, when they do something really stupid, she'll ask you, do you know what you son or daughter did today? Ironically, their all adults now and I hear it just as much as when they were toddlers. I've heard my wife say this quite a few times over the years, "I taught you to walk and talk for this"?? A neighbor lady used to say this all the time, your mother went through childbirth for you, why?? Your mother would be so proud about now When you turn 18 and can vote and move out, you can join democracy, until then its a dictatorship, get used to it. I'm a machinist to the nearest inch and contractor on grade to the nearest foot. I'm the ultimate tree huger............ I won't let them go until they're pulled out by the roots and laying flat on the ground while......... using an excavator and thumb.
If brains were gas he/she couldn’t power a pissant’s gokart around a Cheerio!
The enemy of good is better.
I'll never forget ol' what's his name....
One that my dad used after watching the nightly news, {If there were two people left on this planet one would be busy looking for a bat to kill the other one}.
Dam thing wouldnt pull the skin off rice pudding. Use that one with Tugboats or Trucks
Reminds me of a friend's description of 2n, 9n, 8n fords, at a tractor pull, "aint got enough power to pull a sick ho, offa p iss pot"...
Somehow, I think there would be a woman involved.
Must have been too much silicone involved...